Love

A Good Year to Be Fearless

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It started on New Year’s Eve, with a tingling in his hands. Over a few days, the tingles evolved into numbness, and spread to his legs and torso. He had trouble picking things up, and dropped his DSLR camera in a department store. Ken, my boyfriend and partner of almost four years, was experiencing the small and slow rebellion of his own body.

As his symptoms worsened, I saw his frustration turn to fear. A few days after it started, Ken made an 8 AM appointment with his doctor. The doctor told him to see a neurologist next week, and come back immediately if it got worse.

It got worse. That afternoon, as we sat in a café in a nearby city, Ken trembled and struggled to draw deep breaths.

“I want to take you to the emergency room,” I said.

“No. I want to go home and talk to my parents first.”

We went, but it was clear within minutes that Ken needed medical attention. His dad drove us to the ER. The symptoms came and went in intensity, but the numbness and tingling were always there. “It’s a good year to be fearless,” Ken whispered to me, referencing my one-word resolution. The neurologists came and ran some tests: touch your nose, hop on one foot, tell me when you feel this. He didn’t do well. They admitted him to the hospital, and I spent the night in his bed at his parents’ house, alone.

A Good Year to Be Fearless - Sara Laughed

In the following days, I visited Ken as often as I could. Despite the anxiety we both felt, we kept spirits up. We joked about the scans, and giggled like teenagers about his trouble to hold silverware or put on shoes. We cuddled in his stiff hospital bed, with no shame as to who took notice. But the threat of the diagnosis loomed over us. It was always on the back of my mind.

One morning, Ken’s neurologist asked his parents and me to come to the hospital for a discussion about his MRI results.

“When you came to us, you said you were dealing with tingling and numbness. As you know, when we ran the MRIs, we found spots along your spine and in your brain. While we cannot give a definite diagnosis, those symptoms are consistent with MS. We are pretty sure that’s what this is.”

I didn’t hear much of what was said after that. I looked at Ken and his parents, and I thought about my mom.

A Good Year to Be Fearless - Sara Laughed

I don’t remember when my mother told me she had Multiple Sclerosis. It was always a part of my life. MS is a disease of the central nervous system in which the body’s immune system attacks and scars its own nerves. It is chronic, and affects quality of life, but not length of life. Both Ken and my mother have been diagnosed with Relapsing-Remitting MS, which means that they have “relapses” when symptoms worsen, but get better again after several weeks or months.

With my mom, sometimes things were bad: she struggled to walk normally or would take a fall down the stairs if her legs gave out. But most of the time, life was normal. She was an exceptional case. You wouldn’t know if you didn’t already know.

As my mother drove me to school one morning when I was 15, she told me about the day she was diagnosed, when she herself was only 21. “The only thing I cared about was that I wouldn’t be in a wheelchair when my children were small,” she said.

I was quiet. I had never realized that was something she was worried about. I had never realized that was something that was possible.

Back in the hospital, I looked at Ken, who seemed so calm as he nodded along with the doctors’ words. I wondered if it was possible.

A Good Year to Be Fearless - Sara Laughed

It’s been just about 24 hours since we received the diagnosis for Ken’s symptoms. My day is constantly interrupted by friends from back home wanting to know how he’s doing, how I’m doing, and if there’s any news. I respond to them all, but mostly, I talk to my parents. They know and love Ken, so this is almost as hard for them as if it were happening to me. My dad especially is gutted by the news. But he sends me a message that makes me think.

“Your mother was not down after her own diagnosis, strangely enough. In fact she was so radiantly happy that I was powerless to not fall in love with her. And she definitely realized what might be in store for her. As if there were things she felt liberated from, petty difficulties that keep you from appreciating the wonder of being alive. A new intensity in her enjoyment of each day.”

I let Ken read the message. It makes him smile.

“That’s good to hear,” he says.

“Which part?” I ask.

“All of it. That she wasn’t defeated by it.”

“You won’t be, either,” I say, and I kiss his cheek.

A Good Year to Be Fearless - Sara Laughed

As the day drags on and we adjust to a new reality, I think about what my dad said. I think about goodness and that little phrase that cropped up a few times in my head today: “It’s not fair.”

No, it’s not fair. None of it is fair. But we aren’t promised fairness, or even goodness when we are brought into this world. We are not promised sunrises or laughter or the wonderful whirlwind of being in love. And still, those things happen, all the time, all around us. With Ken, they happen to me every day.

Life may not be fair, but it is still good. And while the path ahead of Ken and me may be challenging and bumpy, it will be still worth it to go down it together.

He’s the love of my life, and together, we will make our life something beautiful and extraordinary. MS be damned.

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19 Comments

  • Reply Ximena Duarte January 9, 2016 at 11:44 am

    Oh! your writing is beautiful. You have such a gift for words but even more you have this innate power of compassion, strength, and grace. I am sending you a huge virtual hug and I want you to know that the stories you are sharing in this blog are technically gorgeous and deeply felt.
    xo Ximena

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:24 am

      Thank you, Ximena. A big hug back!

  • Reply Sockwun Phng January 9, 2016 at 3:18 pm

    This is beautiful. I am so sorry to hear about this. I can’t even begin to imagine what Ken or you must be going through. Stay fearless, Sara!

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:24 am

      Thank you, Sockwun. I got this comment just a few days after I posted this blog post, and it made me tear up. I appreciate your kindness and compassion.

  • Reply Kayla Rivoli January 9, 2016 at 7:14 pm

    I am so sorry, Sara. I can’t imagine what it must be like to see someone you love so much go through this a second time. On the other hand, I admire your optimism and your willingness to tackle this obstacle with him. This post was so beautifully written and heart-wrenching. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with us.

    Kayla | kaylablogs.com

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:24 am

      Kayla, thank you. You are so kind, and it is a joy to have you on the journey with us.

  • Reply Kristine Circenis January 10, 2016 at 11:13 am

    I am very sorry to hear about Ken’s diagnosis, but I think this beautifully written and articulated post is a peek into how graciously you both will learn to live with this diagnosis. I wish both you and Ken nothing but adventures and a strong will to live true to your word for this year – fearless.

    Kristine | My Little Box of Tricks

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:23 am

      Thank you, Kristine. I really appreciate your wishes for us moving forward!

  • Reply Seersucker Sass January 10, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s diagnosis, and I will be praying for you, Ken, and his family. I don’t fully understand how you must feel, but I am here anytime that you want to talk or just need someone to listen. Sending lots of hugs your way!

    XO, SS || Seersucker Sass

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:23 am

      Thank you so much. This is really so kind! You are lovely.

  • Reply Courtney Connolly January 10, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    So sorry you had to go through that. It’s not fair and its terrifying but I totally understand. I went through a very similar thing when i was diagnosed with lupus and my family had to watch me struggle. stay strong.

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:22 am

      I’m so sorry about your Lupus diagnosis and I wish you lots of strength. Thank you for your kind words.

  • Reply Elana January 10, 2016 at 8:20 pm

    I am so sorry about Ken’s diagnosis. But I know you will both be fearless.

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:22 am

      Thank you, Elana!

  • Reply Bella B @ xoxoBella January 11, 2016 at 2:14 am

    I can tell from reading this that you will both be fearless as you face this together. Sending lots of hugs and strength.

    • Reply Sara January 11, 2016 at 5:22 am

      Thank you so much, Bella.

  • Reply Savannah Ward January 11, 2016 at 10:01 am

    Wow, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what it is like to see someone close to your heart experience something so difficult. You and your boyfriend are in my prayers. I know that together you can work through this because through your writing I know that you and him make a beautiful team. Stay strong!

    http://thealwaysblog.com

  • Reply Kayleigh January 11, 2016 at 11:03 am

    I am so sorry for this discovery, but I have a feeling your strength and love will help get him through it. Love the idea of being fearless, sending prayers your way!
    http://www.kayleighskloset.com

  • Reply Celia January 11, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    Sending prayers to all of you!

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